Slaying is On My Mind

I thought to myself

50 plus poems about me, what is one more?

So, now that I have acknowledged my self-love

Let's dive into this poem

Sometimes

When I close my eyes

A beautiful image rises

Of a made-up face

Flawless, snatched

The kind I imagine would attract a gaze

Or two

She looks good boo

I say to myself

The eyes are the colour of the sky

A shimmer and a matte

Catching the light just right

They are hooded by curly and dramatic falsies

Crowned by well-gelled penciled brows

And boy can those lashes fly!

These black wings are flying high

In this vision,

My face is a mask

Golden undertones and eye-catching highlights

Who is this girl?

She is me but she is not me

Gasp!

The lips are glam,

Peachy and shiny like candy

I bet they taste like gum

Fresh, sweet and bang!

In this half-dream

A mustard jumpsuit hugs my figure politely

Showing off some collar bone and one shoulder

It is well-trimmed and pristine

Something a drag queen would kill to own

Down south

Is a snakeskin clear mule heel

The toe is pointed, classy and ideal

What more can a girl ask for?

Up north

I’m wearing a sleek bun

Something only you could see on a Vogue magazine

And to wrap it all up is a pair of statement gold earrings with pearls

I look good, I feel like a star

In reality

A full made-up face doesn’t seem right

A designer mustard jumpsuit is many many dollars away

Clear mule heels I’ve got, they aren’t snakeskin though

Sometimes, I almost achieve that sleek bun on my natural hair

I have statement gold earrings, but I need new ones!

I am a material girl

But unless I win the lotto

I have a million other things to do before I fully invest in slaying

So, for now, I am content to slay on the inside

Before I can slay on the outside as per my dream

It’s The Lessons That Matter

I loved the stuff that makes romantic novels ROMANTIC!

My favourite was a rustic scenery,

Featuring a rough somewhat handsome enigmatic cowboy,

Who was aloof, sad on the inside and hard on the outside,

He loved his horse better than he loved human beings.

Yes, he had been hurt,

But,

Right under his nose was the damsel who was going to rescue him,

Only he didn’t know it!

And once the rescuing was done and the dating began,

Fire-lit lovemaking on the floor was ten times more intriguing than candle-lit hanky panky in the sheets,

Yes, I lived for romance novels once,

When men, love, and the jiggy jiggy were all a mystery to me.

In retrospect,

I wish I had stayed in that naivety,

But I have to convince myself that it is the lessons that matter,

Because maybe they do

A broken heart mends, but it remains scarred forever.

That is the first lesson to love, it’s the risk of immersing yourself in the oh-so-sweet fever.

Second lesson: never give your all to someone,

For those like me that love with everything they have, we will always hurt the hardest.

Keeping your expectations realistic is the third lesson,

Hard work and the acceptance of flaws keep the fire of real love burning.

Yet,

Trouble can get in the way of real love if you don’t know who you are without your partner,

And that makes the fourth lesson: know who you are.

Similar to this is finding happiness within yourself,

Depending on your partner for happiness is ridiculous!

The problem with fictional love is the concept that love can fix people.

If you cannot have an alcoholic boyfriend, then do not date one,

It is that simple!

Thinking that you can love him and try to change him in the process is madness,

Only he can change himself, remember that!

The media has sold us a lot of lies,

Sadly, we’ve eaten them up without thinking twice,

From don’t date a man who cheats and borrows your money

to a man that doesn’t buy you romantic dinners doesn’t deserve you.

Young women have entered the dating scene with extremely high expectations,

Only to find out that men do not have superpowers.

They are weak, clueless at times, and broke other times.

Just like you, they are HUMAN,

Just like you, they make mistakes,

Just like you, they are trying to save and cannot afford luxury dinners at all times.

My point here is not to let men off the hook,

My point is to tell women to wisen up,

Lower your expectations,

Better yet, don’t expect what you cannot bring to the table yourself!

And so, as my heart heals,

It whispers to me the lessons it has learned,

It reminds me how far I’ve come.

Also, it finds folly in my previous way of thinking,

The things I took for granted, the desires I yearned.

Besides cultivating forgiveness, caution, and happiness,

My heart has one major purpose,

To help me in becoming the best version of myself,

With the hope that my future partner is doing the same!

Sober Up

That high that only you can give,
Whose embers danced in my eyes,
Is slowly dying in the cold wind you blow,
and the showers that pour from my injured soul.
So as the calls and texts that go unanswered pile up,
I reluctantly sober up.

It's not like you have moved to another town,
Loved someone else or forgotten my heart,
Rather, you are who you are,
Sometimes detached for reasons known and unknown,
Sometimes connected, open, and vulnerable.
Still, I can't help but dial down the light,
Harden myself to my feelings of you,
Lest I drown and completely lose myself,
So I sober up.

Funny how it finally seemed like things were getting better,
Like it was guaranteed happiness forever,
Where longing, dreaming, and hoping would end,
And turn to the beautiful reality I am sure we are destined.
But now I can see the price that a woman has to pay,
For being emotional, sensitive, and in need of constant attention,
Because I have sobered up.

Looking into the future,
I can see you in my life's picture,
For I know you are mine for eternity,
But I fear I will be lonely forever,
As something keeps holding you back,
Denying me the satisfaction,
Of knowing how it feels like to be completely loved.

Hmmm

Silly, silly, silly me
To think that a love like this could be normal
While its nothing but normal.
When I first came across your profile pic,
I knew I had stumbled upon the love of my life.
I remember it well, that profile pic
'Twas black and white,
You wore a tire, with your head held up high,
Such a confident man, such beautiful eyes, such delicious lips, I thought.
Yes,
It was love at first sight,
And even though we were strangers, neither age mates nor living in the same city,
I knew I wanted your babies.

Surely,
What we have is different and unique
However, your soul mirrors mine,
Like we are a match made in heaven
Nay, we are a match made in heaven.

Still,
I have been more romantic than you have
I have opened up myself to our love more than you have
I have loved you to bits, I still love you to bits
And I have let go of my pride and stubborn nature for you.
Unfortunately,
You have done neither of these things for me
Which is why, I am sober now

DOWNWARD SPIRAL

Time and time again,
Love has been picked, poked, cut open, stitched up, torn open again,
Examined and reexamined.
It has been weighed against fame, careers, ambitions, money.
Alas!
It has been found to weigh so much less.
Hence, it's failure.

So like most women before me,
I analyzed love subjectively,
I weighed it against my goals, my career......
Hell! I weighed it against everything that put food on my table,
Clothes on my back, boots on my feet,
Confidence on my hip, money in my wallet, and peace on my mind.
Imagine my comfort at discovering it's negligible value!
Love was suddenly meaningless, useless,
Unworthy of my egotistical heart, too silly to feed my clever mind.

And so,
Love fell from the top of the list, to the bottom of the well,
Down below in the still darkness,
Where it joined retirement, old age and death,
Tragedies I would deal with, hopefully -
NEVER.

I TOOK FLIGHT

I was crawling through hell's pit,
The darkest corner where nothingness and evil sit,
The dullest hole where hopelessness feeds on young souls.
In the foulest, scariest, loneliest, and bitterest of places you can imagine,
There I lay my head.

I was seeing nothing but doom.
Feeling nothing but my pain.
Knowing nothing but the mortal promise..
Hearing nothing until IT was played..
And so I began to see again,
to feel all emotions my human senses could manage,
To know all that I had buried in my subconscious mind,
For suddenly, I took flight.

The tune was mellow and bright,
Every stroke bore depth and a wealth of magic.
The voice was like that of a heavenly Angel: perfect, soft, and powerful.
I was slowly dragged by each beat from the darkest, foulest, scariest, loneliest, and bitterest of places you can imagine.
I was hopeless but it mattered not for I had a song.
I was bitter, but I had a song.
I was lonely, but the song became my companion.
I was fearful, but with the song I was braver.
I was mortal, but the song made me alive.
Oh how I loved that song! The song that saved me.

By and by,
I grew a pair of wings,
And made my ascent with a vigor I had never known.
Behold,
I was the woman from hell's pit,
Raised by a song,
Towards heaven's light.
Only imagine my delight!
Only imagine what I had escaped!
Only imagine what I constantly escape,
By playing a song or THE song whenever darkness looms.
For this world is dark sometimes.
But with a song, it is brighter.

Life Pangs! Life Gaps!

It's the hunger of want that drives man,
A pursuit of nothing that makes me almost mad.
Is it not nothing?
This life we are living?
The things we keeping wanting?
The people we are endlessly loving?
Yet, we must keep wanting, living, loving....
How detestable!
I can almost hear the gods mocking,
Mocking the joke that is human life.
How expendable we are!
How important we pretend to be!

Still,
Wanting is all we can do.
Each day I wake up with a want.
Today I thought, I want a man, handsome, influential, confident, strong....HIM.
The same man I wanted yesterday, the same man I will want a year from now!
And when I have him I will want something else,
I will always want to my very last breath!
However,
I would rather I never wanted anything or anyone...
I want a good life, material things, a legacy......
How I hate myself for wanting!
And what a purpose I find in wanting!

But of what good is wanting?
Of what importance is living?
What is the end-game really?
Don't you sometimes feel like we are in something incomplete?
Like we were the process of a trial and error? A notion that went wrong?
A good idea that was not so good after all?
Does life not feel like a game where we are not the players?
Does it not all feel like nothingness?
We are simply at some higher power's will,
A higher power that made an error!
I wonder if we have not been left on our own;
We were a failure... Who wants anything to do with failure?
So perhaps we have imagined ourselves into being!
Perhaps we have imagined ourselves into wanting!

Life pangs I tell you!
The hunger that never ends.
Low-life humans,
The scum that always bends,
To nature's ruthless will!
Yet,
What is nature?
What really is life?
What is the beginning, where is the end?
Forget the primitive definitions man has attempted to create.
Forget the religion that holds us captive.
Think,
Why should we want?
Why should we live?
Why are we here?
For whose amusement are we here for?
What is the objective?
But our wanting somehow keeps us from answering these questions.
Each day we toil to achieve our wants.
But what do we get for our efforts?
Death and nothingness.

I always thought school was hard until I met life!
I now wonder, what grade am I working to achieve?
For nothingness is all we get.
We love, we want, we live,
And nothingness is all we get!
We look for happiness
Yet,
What does it mean to be happy if it never lasts?
What does it mean to live if we are mortal?
Life pangs and life gaps I tell you,
Such horrible reflections!

Nothing Can Save Me Now

You were my Knight in shining armor,
You saved me, you made me.
You captured my heart, my soul,
My everything.
You were my sole source of light,
And you still are, every day and every night.
I knew then as I know now,
Nothing can save me.

Caught in your snares,
Enthralled in your masculine wares,
I am the fool that fell,
I am the clown that keeps falling.
I am forever following your baritone bell.
I am forever seeking your expensive musk,
Enticed by your carefree nature.
Truly,
Nothing can save me now.

I built castles around your eyes,
I threw caution to the wind,
And chose to allow me be bound.
I thought, nothing good comes easy.
And even when he suffocates me, pushes me to the edge,
I know that no one can save me.

He was my savior,
I can expect no other.
I have learnt to channel the hurt, it is no longer a bother.
And perhaps when things get better,
When his love is deep inside me,
When his love is so bright I cannot see,
I will shed a tear or two,
Thinking how glad I am that nothing can save me!